"I'm immediately a defibrillator convert, believing every workplace and public space should have one and train its employees in its use."
- Sarah Vowell, TIME Magazine, "Give Me The Paddles And.. Clear!" page 1, Sept 11, 2000

Defibrillators in every public place? Could be interesting. 500 joules! Clear! ZAP! (smell of cooked flesh). If they were everywhere, people would use them more often. Think of the mayhem! Think of the convenience! Lunch gone cold? Give me those paddles. 600 joules! Clear! ZAP! Smell of hot lasagna.

And it won't stop with food. They're heart starters, right? Well, some mornings I'm a little slow. Why not shock my way to a more productive day? 700 joules! Clear! ZAP! Smell of burning rubber as I race into my todo list.

Now I know what your thinking- if everyone starts using these, we could have ourselves a little epidemic of electron abuse. 15 year old kids boasting loudly at parties. Talking knowledgably about joules vs amps (when the 12 year olds are in earshot). And other stuff. "Wazzat? Does it burn the hairs on my chest? Here- let me show you. 800 joules! Clear! ZAP! Damn- look at that forest fire."

Lots of folks won't approve of course. Ministers will warn their flocks against this new trend. "Get shocked by god!" my local minister will advise. "What else can we call Paul's conversion on the road to Damascus but a mega-whack from the man upstairs? If God wants to talk to you, he reaches for those holy paddles, charges, 900 joules! Clear! ZAP! Now that's what I call a higher power!"

So to make sure people use this stuff responsible, we'll need a public safety campaign. Remember, its the volts that jolt but the current that kills! And we'll need role models- responsible users of this stuff. Like international sporting figures. An Olympic event- sponsored by General Electric...

"And he steps up to the paddles, this'll be a triple flip convulsion followed by the smell of burning flesh. With a degree of difficulty of eight point six. He reaches for the pack, charging, charging,... 1,000 joules,... he reaches for the switch, Clear! And there's the ZAP! The burning flesh! Followed by the convultions... it's a grand mal seizure! Grand mal! Gold, gold, gold for Australia!"

Then if everyone starts doing it, it'll become real important in their lives, kind of personal. People will walk that extra block at lunchtime to the 6th street zapper, cause everyone knows it delivers a more caring sharing jolt. Brand loyalty will be everything. Which one will you buy?

• New Jolt! Had your JOLT today?
• The Heart Starter 200! The shock that sticks! The shock that rocks!
• POWW-er II! Have you felt the power too?

But now matter what how you buy, you know what comes next. 1100 joules! Clear! ZAP! Wow! Clear your cobwebs for good, for sure!!

As this thing goes more mainstream, we'll see the accessories, the fashion extras, and the cosmetic surgery. Big breasts and chest hair will have to go- harder to place the paddles. Ponchos will come back in- easier access to the chest. Sales of fluorescent paddle jelly will go through the roof- you know the stuff- it glows in the dark after a good electric zap. Sony will release a new Palm-sized version of the cardiac whacker. Web ready and ready for your chest!. 1200 joules! Clear! ZAP! All from the palm of your hand!